It's a long journey.

Yesterday I hit a major hurdle.  One of the things I love about my new job is the emphasis and rewards you can get for being healthy.  Basically if I continue what I've been doing the past few months, I get be rewarded with more than just a warm fuzzy feeling that I sometimes get after a good workout.  Last night though, I weighed myself, and I didn't like what I saw.

I don't know what's happened over the past few month's, whether I've been reading the scale wrong, standing on it wrong, or if it's just completely off, but for some reason, the scale I stood on last night gave me a very different number than I've been seeing.

I was really excited because last time I weighed myself at White River Club I was at 312, and I thought that this could be the month that I get out of the 300's for good.  That's definitely not the case.  The scale at the gym at work wasn't able to compute my weight at all.  I didn't know what to make of it, but I tried not to think about it.  The trainer tried again yesterday before work and it still wouldn't give a number, so we agreed to meet, after I got off, at another gym in Indy.

When I got there and weighed myself, the number wasn't good, and I didn't take it very well.  The new number I'm starting at, instead of 336, which, I thought, was the heaviest I'd ever been, is 366 pounds.

I was in shock.  Last night I tried to tell myself, as did Kelsey, the trainer at work, that the number does not define me, but I couldn't even formulate the words in my head, let alone speak them out loud.  I was confused, and angry.  How in the world did I get that big?  How did I get that big and not realize it? What have other people thought when they could tell that I was fatter than what I was saying I was, and then saying I wanted to run a marathon?  A lot of questions were running through my head, mostly starting with the word "how".

So, I have a new starting point.  I'm not sure what to make the the 20 pounds I've supposedly lost over the past few months.  Maybe the scale at White River was off on those too.  I certainly don't feel like I've lost weight, and I don't think I look like I have because my clothes are still fitting the same.  If I have lost 20 pounds, I don't like the thought that at one point I weighted 386 pounds.  THAT'S ALMOST 400 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm really fighting my cynical nature and tendency towards negative thinking right now.  There so much I want to post that I'm not because of my post last week about trying to think more positively about myself.  And because I don't want this blog to be a pity party, but a source of encouragement and inspiration for others, as well as a place that people can encourage me to not give up.

In the past, when I thought something was impossible, I've turned to food for comfort, and that's another thing I'm fighting.  Maybe God was protecting me 4 months ago when I weighed myself for the first time, because if I saw 386 as the number, right then I would have thrown the towel in and said, it's not possible to get fit, what the point of even trying?  Even now I'm fighting that train of thought and fighting the urge to put a frozen pizza in the oven and eat the entire thing with a beer and watching TV.  That's exactly what I would have done 4 months ago.  I want to do that now, but I'm resisting.

Thinking healthy thoughts.  Or trying to at least.

Taking things one day at a time.

Thinking about what I've already accomplished, measly as it might be, it's still an accomplishment, and not focusing on the long, hard journey I have ahead of me.

Most of all, I'm trying to lean on God in this time of weakness.  There's no way I can do this on my own, but with His help, and people and things He provides to help me along the way, anything is possible.  Even for me.

Why Am I Doing This?

Why do I want to change my lifestyle?  What does it matter if I'm healthy or not?  What's the big deal with a marathon?

I'm doing this because I don't want to have issues with my knees at 30 years old.

I don't want to be tired all the time.

I don't want to take forever to recover from trivial injuries.

I want to be able to run around and play with my kids after I get married and have a family.

I want to feel confident with my husband, whomever he may be.

I want to be independent when I get older, and not lose my dignity before I lose my life.

I want to live a long life.

I want to have mental stamina.

I want to be an encouragement/inspiration to others.

I don't want my life to revolve around my stomach size.

I don't want to develop diabetes.

I don't want to develop heart disease.

I don't want to have to carry an oxygen tank because my lungs can't get enough on their own.

I want to be able to walk around the mall, the park, Kings Island, and so on without having to worry about when I get sit down and rest my legs/hips/knees/heart.

I don't want my weight to dictate my life.

Some of these may sound weird, and some are things that happen to people regardless of weight, but I want to minimize my chances of some of these thing happening as much as I can.

A friend said something to me last night that has stuck with me.  I'm paraphrasing his words because I can't remember them exactly:

"You have a long journey ahead of you, but don't think about how far you have yet to go, think about how far you've come and keep going one day at a time."

One day at a time.

Two weeks overdue...

So, as the title suggests, this posts is about two weeks overdue.  It's been a crazy few weeks, and I will get into that here shortly!

When I weighed myself a few weeks ago, I was surprised a the number.  I was expecting to have gained back some of the weight I've lost, but instead, I did, for the third month in a row, lose weight!  Now, it wasn't very much, but still, a negative number is better than nothing!

In the month of June, I lost a total of 4 pounds, bringing my total weight loss to 20 pounds, and I'm down to 312.  I am hoping, this month to lose 12 more and get me down to 300 even, or even better, to get out of the 300's forever and into the 200's for a short while.  It's not looking like 12 pounds will happen, but I do think I will lose more, and keep the momentum going.  Even if I don't break 300 pounds, I'm not going to let that slow me down.

Now, as I said before, the past few weeks have been a bit crazy.  There was the 4th of July that took place, and even bigger (to me) was the fact that I got a new job!  I've only been there for a week, but so far, I really like it.  I now work for a company that values it's employees and places a lot of trust in us, and because of that, I'm going to work my butt off for them.

Among the many perks of my new employer, is it's emphasis on health and fitness.  Now, being a big girl, that is slightly intimidating to me.  There have been times that I've felt like there was a huge spotlight on me as one of the few overweight people who work there, and whenever the topic of health and wellness comes up, there's a huge white elephant in the room with my name on it.  Haha, get it?  White elephant???  I wasn't even going for it, but it seems to be a nice little pun!  Yeah... anyway....

I really need to not to talk negatively about myself.  Growing up, I had huge self-image issues that all came back to my weight.  I really think that's one of the reasons why I've gotten to the size I am now. After the summer of 2008, that stopped.  I no longer thought that way about myself and I actually did get healthier for a while.  For the past year or so, though, I've regressed.  I've let negative thoughts creep into my head and those thoughts manifested in a gain in weight, which just reinforced those thoughts, and they cycle continued.

I need to stop thinking about myself that way and think about myself as Christ does - but still with humility.  According to Jesus Christ, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  My body is a temple, so there is some renovating that needs to be done, but according to Him, I still have value, worth, and beauty.  I can't let Satan grab a hold of me any longer.  I am free from his bonds.  I was freed from them when Christ died for me 2000 years ago.  Praise the Lord!

Okay, so in conclusion, another 4 pounds gone, a new job that emphasizes and even rewards health, and no more being negative about God's creation!

Stuck

So, I missed Weigh-Day on the last Monday of last month, and when I went again that week, I either forgot to weigh myself, of I talked myself out of it.

This month hasn't really been a good one.  My activity has gone down again to twice a week with my trainer, and there's been very little cardio activity outside of that.  Worse still, is my eating.  It's not as bad has it has been in the past, but it's certainly been backtracking instead of getting better.